Filed under: Uncategorized
Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could
Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I’m all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I’m thirteen again, am I thirteen for good?
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I’m deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I’m devastated
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserving baby?
When will I start staying with myself?
Oh these little projections, how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unlov-ed for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
Filed under: Uncategorized
I have lived at home my entire life. It hasn’t always been terrible, but now that I am 21, I feel the keen need to move out and be on my own. I have made a rough plan for the next three years of my life. I am going to finish my degree at Cal State L.A. within two years. Once I graduate, I plan to get a fulltime job and move out. I don’t want to go to graduate school right after I finish my undergraduate work. I would like to save up to go on a study abroad program to England during the time that I’m not going to graduate school. I also want to experience living in the “real world” for a little while before jumping into school. This is my rough plan; it is subject to change.
More than answers to life’s greatest questions, I think what I want is more primitive. I want to get out, out, out of here. I will never be a whole person so long as I am living at home. I don’t think it would be wise of me to get into a relationship right now because I am simply not ready. I am over the break-up, but I just think it would be wise to focus on my personal growth, school, and work right now. So, I am not looking for a serious boyfriend anymore. I hope to meet lots of great new people at Cal State LA. Maybe I’ll date around a bit. But no husband-searching. I want to finish my undergraduate studies, move out, establish my life a bit, and then we’ll see what happens.
Although many people have undoubtibly had worse childhoods that I, mine wasn’t fun. As I’ve written before, my dad has a lot of rage in him and uses a fundamentalist version of Christianity to justify his anger at the world. My mother was clinically insane and depressed during the 1990s. My brother is a recovering drug addict. I grew up immersed in severe dysfunction. It’s had a profound impact on who I am. I look forward to the day where I will come home to my own place, whether it’s a rented room or an apartment. I plan to find a fulltime job once I finish my B.A. I already know that I want to go to graduate school, but I see no need for me to jump right into it when I feel the need to get the fuck out of here first. I have a cushy life here, financially speaking. I have my own room, bathroom, and walk-in closet. All my bills are paid and there’s always food on the table. I don’t even have to worry about paying for the A/C. But I am not free to grow here. I never got to go away to college. So, I’m going to work on saving up money now so I can move out when I’m 23. I have to be out of the house by the time I’m 24, anyway.
I am no longer going to a Bible study on Sunday nights. I may decide to go back, but I may not. I am not going to read any books on theology or philosophy for awhile. I think I’m going to drop that philosophy class at PCC and take it when I feel a little more at peace with myself. I’m sick of being confused and lectured and that class is a fusion between the two, from what I’ve heard about the professor’s teaching style. My family has been sort of lazy with going to church on Sunday, so I’ll only go when forced. (Lately, though, we haven’t really gone at all). Yesterday, I decided to read fictional novels again. I was reading a lot of preachy non-fiction books as of late, but I find more comfort in reading about mythology and fictional stories. There is more truth in fiction, anyway. In the words of my creative writing teacher, “Fiction is the effort to be truthful. If you want to read fiction, then read the Los Angeles Times.”
So, I am not sure if I believe in a benevolent God. I am not going to mull over that, specifically, for some time. I need to let it be. What do I know for sure? The difference between reality and perception. My therapist explained it to me, “Reality is fact-based. Reality says that if I drop this glass onto the street, it will break. That is a fact. The rest is just perception.” That doesn’t mean that there is no truth, but if you’re looking for truth in the same way that you’re looking for a fact-based reality, then you won’t get very far. Nobody can prove that a benevolent God exists in the same way that you can prove that 2+2=4. At the same time, you can’t prove that God does not exist. It’s your perception. So I’m not going to label myself an agnostic or an atheist or a lost Christian or whatever. I’m not going to loose sleep over this anymore. I feel the presence of God when I’m in nature. I feel the presence of God when I have a great conversation with another. I feel the presence of God when I laugh so hard that I nearly pee. There is truth in that, but it’s largely truth based on perception. But whatever. All I know is that what I want really isn’t an answer to life’s greatest questions. I am going to stop searching so vehemently. What I really want is to get out, out, out of here. And I will.
I may decide to give blogging a break, too. For the past two years, I’ve posted the intimate aspects of my life on here and allowed the whole world to read and sometimes comment on them. I’m doubting whether or not I want to do that anymore. I have enjoyed blogging, but now, I’m shying away from allowing everyone to read this and offering their opinions on it. It was the biggest revolution when I realized that I don’t have to tell everyone everything there is to know about me in order to be interesting! I know that sounds silly, but for so long, I had terrible boundaries with that. I told people everything about me and I asked rude questions to others without understanding the concept of personal boundaries. I want to get out of here and, while I’m at it, learn what it means to be prudent with what I share about myself with others. It’s good to have a little mystery.
If I decide to take a blogging break I won’t delete this blog, but I will take an extended hiatus and write down brief updates. I’ll let you know.
I felt awful all day today. Last night, I spent two and a half hours with a cold-hearted, arrogant Christian who once captivated me. I am finished with him. Yes, he was once my dream boy, but I woke up last night when it occurred to me that his presence in my life was making me increasingly miserable. It doesn’t help that he is socially awkward and says rude things without knowing that they’re rude. The truth is this: I don’t enjoy spending time discussing faith with him anymore. On the surface, he embodied what I thought I wanted in a guy. He’s a devout Christian. He’s pro-feminist. He takes care of himself. He’s smart, motivated, and intellectual. I thought that I would have to go on eHarmony to find someone like him, but he fell into my lap last May. I have learned a lot from him. I have learned a bit about his perspective (which is thinks is The Truth) on Christianity. More than anything, though, I learned that what I thought I wanted is now precisely what I do not want.
He insulted me for the last time last night. I don’t think he meant to be hurtful, but I hate his tone when he speaks about faith. I said that I like attending Catholic Mass because I enjoy the more traditional approach to worship. He said that the Mormons put on an elaborate service, too, so why don’t I just go there? What a rude thing to say. I have nothing against Mormons, but he was implying that since (he thinks that) Catholicism is wrong, then I shouldn’t care about aesthetics. What hurts is that he genuinely doesn’t care that he can be hurtful. So, I am not going to go out of my way to speak to him anymore. I am finished with trying to justify my personal belief system to other people. I went home that night extremely depressed. I drank too much and smoked three cigarettes. I fantasized about slapping him across the face and telling him how cold a person he is, but I won’t. I refuse to date philosophy majors. I went after one a couple months ago and he made me feel the exact same way.
Today, I decided to be honest with myself not only about Dream Boy that guy, but also about where I genuinely am in terms of my faith. I keep trying to convince myself to stay Christian even though my heart is not in it at the moment. I am terrified to leave because I have an irrational fear that God will disapprove of me. Here’s the truth: I am not sure if I believe in a benevolent God right now. I believe that something created the universe and everything in it, but I am not sure if that God particularly cares so much about human activity. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t deeply angry. I am angry that this religion has been crammed down my throat ever since I was a baby. I never got to ask myself whether or not I truly believe in any of it.
For years, I thought that if I only read the right books, recited the right prayers, and asked the right questions, and talked to the right people, then I would know The Truth. If there is one thing that I’ve always wanted in my life, it’s control. I grew up with a clinically insane mother, a deeply rageful father, and a drug addicted brother. So much of my life has been out of my control. When I was in fourth grade and my mother was at the height of her depression compounded by delusional thinking, I remember going to school and obsessing over not having made my bed one day. Control, control, control. Perfection, perfection, perfection. This is part of the reason religion appealed to me. Knowing the truth means being powerful. And being powerful means having more control. Thus, I was a fundamentalist Christian all throughout high school because it gave me the illusion of having power and control over both myself and others. When I was a very young child, I had a dream where I tried to reach out for things, only to have the turn into something else once I got closer to them. As I reflect on that dream, I find that I want to stop reaching for The Truth and just leave things be at the moment.
So, today, I put all of my books on Christianity into a big plastic box. I placed the box in the back of my closet. I am not giving up Christianity per se, but I need to set it aside right now and let myself relax a bit. I am tired of chasing after things, whether they’re my “dream boy” or the “right religion.” The chase of both of those things has rendered me nothing short of weary and palpably irritated. I need to let my search for the “Truth” go for now. I’m setting those books aside; I am not getting rid of them. I feel a little scared about where this might lead. I certainly won’t tell a lot of people I know “in real life” about this. My need to stop seeking for the truth goes hand in hand with my desire to stop telling people everything there is to know about me. I no longer care to seek approval to have doubts anymore.
The sad fact is that most people just don’t understand what I’m going through, even people who have tons of doubts about faith themselves. Most people have an agenda to push instead of letting people share their perspectives on things. Yes, I’m angry. Maybe even a bit furious. Hell hath no fury and all that. When I see my ex-dream boy again, he’ll likely give me back the book I lent him. I’ll thank him for returning it and be on my way. Then I’ll be done. His lack of empathy and intellectual arrogance makes me want to puke. He reminds me of my father — everything from his lack of social graces to the rigidness of this thinking. I do not want to end up with someone like my dad. While I’m at it, I’m going to give up thinking about seriously dating for the moment. I am not ready to be in a serious relationship right now anyway.
I also may stop blogging for some time since I’m tired of justifying what I believe and broadcasting it to the world. I enjoy seeking insight, but for now, I’m very tender. So, I may or may not decide to continue blogging regularly. If you choose to comment on this post, please be compassionate. I am not looking for approval, but comments that say I’m turning my back on God or something of that nature will be deleted without apology. For the first time in my life, I really don’t care what you think. I know what I need to do right now. So, yes, I’m taking a break from Christianity. I need to determine whether or not I want to remain a Christian as I enter adulthood. This is not something I’m going to believe in just because mommy and daddy say so. I yearn to think on my own now and I think that’s healthy and good as I enter my early twenties.
Filed under: Uncategorized
As of today, I’m swearing off arrogant guys and theology. I’m tired of feeling like shit.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I’ve been having a lot of fun lately, like going out for drinks with my friends and watching tons of movies at home. It’s August. The time just seems to drag on and I feel really lazy. I can’t stand this for too much longer. Although my summer has been relatively fun, I get extremely depressed when I don’t have a set schedule and things to accomplish. Whenever I get depressed, it’s usually because I’m focusing too much on myself - my past, my problems, and my existential crisis. Consequently, I don’t feel like I have a lot of profound things to write about at the moment. That is why this blog hasn’t been very engaging lately. The only thing I feel the need to write about and seek insight on are my relationship issues. Although I won’t have nearly as much time once school starts, I will be actively thinking about new things and will therefore have much more to write about. The election is coming up soon, too, so I will definitely post more about that in the months to come.
I signed up for my fall classes during orientation two weeks ago. In addition to taking Introduction to Philosophy at PCC, I will also be taking Gender in American History, Creative Writing, and World Literature. Cal State L.A. makes all transfer students take three “diversity” courses. I am glad that one of the blocks they offer involves gender studies, which obviously is right up my alley since I run a feminist blog. I am also looking forward to philosophy with an infamously engaging professor. Creative writing and world literature satisfy some lower-division courses for my major. Cal State L.A. makes all English majors choose what they’d like to emphasize on during their studies. Since I plan to go to graduate school for English, I decided to focus on English literature instead of creative writing or English teaching. I am not sure if I will go straight to graduate school after I earn a B.A. degree. I may decide to take a year off and work in the “real world” while studying for the GRE, but who knows. I will think more seriously about that in a year and a half or so.
One of my friends of the family called me up today and invited me to go on a road trip to Santa Cruz with him. I’ve been good friends with his sister ever since we were, like, seven years old. She goes to UC Santa Cruz and is flying up there next weekend, and he invited me to come with him when he drives up there to visit her. We’ll all hang out on Santa Cruz for three days. It sounds like a lot of fun. I still have to talk to my parents about it, but I think it will be fine since they know them pretty well. I’ve never been to Santa Cruz before. I hear that the beaches there are gorgeous, so it will be great to see something new other than the typical SoCal beaches. I think this trip will be the highlight of my entire summer. I’ve actually been feeling pretty down lately, so a change of scenery would be nice. I also have a lot in common with this guy. We talked about books and poetry for a long time during a Christmas party last year, so it will be fun getting to know him better on the drive there.
I convinced my personal trainer to take a group exercise class with me. He initially didn’t want to because all the other personal trainers think that guys who take classes at the gym are gay. Most guys his age avoid those classes like the plague. I said that if he was “secure in his masculinity,” then it shouldn’t matter what the other trainers think of him. So, he agreed to take an aerobics and yoga class with me. I’m really impressed that he’s stepping out of his comfort zone. And, on a purely shallow level, it will be nice to show him that I am better than him at something related to fitness. He may be able to lift twice my weight, but I know all the dance moves to most of the aerobics work-outs. I totally kick ass in one particular class. I sometimes think that he’s too conservative, but then he surprises me, because he really is open to listening to my insight. And wow - can he listen! He’s one of the few people that can hold my gaze for a long, long, time. I’m usually the one who looks away with a dumb, flirty smile on my face. I think he may have figured out that I liked him way before it became totally obvious. And it IS obvious now. Anyway, I think I need to stop categorizing people as either “liberal” or “conservative.” Although I am more liberal than I used to be, I still do what my parents do and label people before getting to know them very well. I think most people have a tendency to do that, which isn’t good. That is what leads to stereotyping.
Oh, my family is getting HDTV with surround sound and Blu-Ray tomorrow! Yay! I’m also having dinner with my dream boy tomorrow, too, so it should be a delightful day all around.
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Last night at the club made me question whether or not I want to date someone who hates that sort of thing. The boy may be intellectually what I want, but he’s so serious and conservative (both his politics and his personality) and I’m so experimental right now. My clothing and my attitude has changed from super conservative to… not. My friends have noticed that I cuss more, which isn’t anything to be proud of, but I think I do it to make a statement to the world that I am different now. My fascination with Dream Boy is less about him in particular, and more about what he represents. Like, who I ultimately want to end up with. He’s more conservative than I thought and I’m breaking out of that right now. I feel like I have to censor myself around him. Then my religious guilt creeps in and I wonder whether or not someone like him would help me be a better Christian. So, I am, again, thinking about him in relation to what I’ve gone through during the past two years.
Filed under: Abortion
About six years ago, I volunteered for a pro-life pregnancy help center in my city. I helped mail out the newsletters that they publish four times a year. Ever since then, they’ve sent me their newsletters. I always read them. My views on abortion, obviously, have changed a bit since I volunteered there. Even though I feel more sympathetic towards the pro-choice side now, I am still intrigued by the stories that they publish about the women they’ve sought to help. Although these centers aren’t the hostile places that a select number of extreme feminists make them out to be, I now know that some of the information they publish is misleading. In their pamphlets, they say that contraceptive pills cause abortion. I remember reading something along the lines of, “The Pill flushes out fertilized eggs, so your tiny baby boy or girl may be lost without you even knowing it.” Although the question of when life begins is still ambiguous to me, I don’t think that fertilized eggs are equivalent to full-term babies. But I digress.
This quarter’s newsletter contains a cover story that is not unlike the others that have come before it. It is written by a girl who got pregnant in high school. She decided to have an abortion because having a baby wasn’t in her plans at the time. She went to a church service and read a pamphlet that made her feel extremely guilty about her choice:
At church one day, I spotted a pamphlet on abortion and picked it up. It was written as cheerful, chatty messages from a developing fetus to a mother, with such news as, ‘Hi there, Mom. I can’t wait to see you. I’ve got all my fingers and toes now.’ It ended abruptly with, ‘My mother killed me today.’ I was devastated and wept through the service. My guilt was as fresh as if I’d had the abortion that day.
When I read that, I rolled my eyes and said aloud, “Oh, give me a break!” As someone who once believed that it was morally justifiable to call women who’ve had abortions “baby killers,” I felt angry at both myself and certain pro-life activists for shamelessly encouraging women to feel guilty for opting to have abortions. Up until several months ago, I believed that I couldn’t be pro-choice if it meant that I had to accept abortion as an equally valid choice along with adoption or keeping the baby. I no longer hold that view for a variety of reasons. Their is nothing feminist or Christian about shaming women. Some women who have abortions do not regret them, and they do not deserve to be ridiculed for that. At the same time, I feel that a lot of extreme feminists ignore the fact that some women do indeed regret having abortions. Their grief is not evidence that abortion is always the wrong choice, but it may not be the right choice for every woman who initially considers it. I hate that pro-choicers and pro-lifers alike mock each other so relentlessly to the point where having an honest dialogue about choice, grief, and responsibility regarding abortion becomes nearly impossible.
I continue to struggle with my views on abortion. I wish that we lived in a world where every baby was wanted, where every woman had the economic freedom to take her pregnancy to term if she wanted to, and where every woman’s experiences with this was listened to and validated. That doesn’t mean that I believe that abortion is always right or always wrong, but since I began reading about women’s experiences with abortion, I began to realize that it is one of the most morally ambiguous issues of our time. The world doesn’t need more preaching; the world needs more compassion. As I reflect on that, I find myself needing to spend more time listening and loving and less time preoccupied with my existential crises. God may or may not exist; the question is not valid (and I am paraphrasing a line from The Gospel in a Pluralist Society by Lesslie Newbigin here). It doesn’t matter, perhaps, what I actually believe right now, because my views are always evolving. At the end of the day, what genuinely matters is how I treated others - with consistent compassion, dignity, and respect - regardless of what my personal views are.
Filed under: Relationships
I am back from a week-long vacation from blogging in which I did a great deal of reading, reflecting, and some traveling. I, of course, have been thinking a great deal about modern dating etiquette, specifically whether or not I should ask guys I like out or wait passively for them to notice me. I promise that this will be the last post on dating for awhile, unless by some miracle, something in my dating life changes for the better. Anyway, I asked for a lot of people’s perspectives on whether or not it’s acceptable for girls to ask guys out. People around my parents’ age (the Baby Boomers) seem to believe that it’s up to the guy to do the initiating. If a girl initiates, then she is nothing short of desperate and may risk “scaring him off.” (My mother told me this). Many of my friends, however, seem open to the idea. In fact, a lot of my guy friends who are wonderful men say they would be ecstatic if a girl asked them out. Still, this poses a dilemma for me and all Generation Y girls.
I recently read an intriguing book called Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov. Her basic idea is that men love women who can stand on their own two feet in a relationship; men are turned off by women who pour all of their energy and resources into trying to capture and keep them. The book makes some excellent points. It is never healthy to base your entire happiness on whether another person likes you back. It’s also unhealthy to give up everything for a guy, even though that’s what a lot of us young women have been taught since we were young via Disney fairytales and the like. What I don’t like about the book is that Argov preaches that you will inevitably win the guy by appearing aloof. “That which you chase runs away fast,” is her basic thesis. So, we must act like we don’t care when, in reality, we care a great deal.
This is frustrating for me on a number of different levels. For one, Christian purity books teach quite the opposite and I read at least half a dozen of those. They teach that any Christian guy worth his salt will want a girl who is feminine, submissive, and cheerful all the time. Why Men Love Bitches teaches quite the opposite by encouraging women to appear completely independent so that men will enjoy the “thrill of the chase.” (Side note: What do you do when you’re trying to land a super-independent-thinking, Christian-feminist guy who is terrified of rejection since high school for being such a nerdy kid? Is he “just not that into me” or is he afraid of rejection? I don’t know and I’m about to find out. Ack!) Anyway, while the book claims to be oh-so-liberating, it’s actually infuriating because it’s still playing on the whole concept of chivalric code. It seems to me like she’s assuming that men haven’t changed within the past sixty years, but women have since the second wave of feminism. We therefore must adjust early 21st Century dating etiquette accordingly while still catering to a man’s need to always be in charge. It’s hard, because dating used to be so cut-and-dry back in the day, but things have changed. Some guys are open to that and some aren’t.
I want to be the change I wish to see in the world. I want girls to feel more comfortable asking guys out. I decided, a couple days ago, that I will initiate a date if I feel so inclined. A guy who would be offended by a girl asking him out is not a guy I’d want to be with anyway, so I have nothing to lose. I have never been good at keeping my mouth shut in the classroom or when I was a member of the student newspaper back in high school. If I like someone, I let them know - but I agonize about when to do it. I worry about scaring a guy off because I am, by nature, very intense and passionate. If I like anything at all, I throw a great deal of effort into it. According to Why Men Love Bitches, though, that is a very bad trait. I am supposed to not care and let men become intrigued by my aloofness. The problem is, I am aloof AND passionate at the same time! My friends can attest to that.
Dating today is infuriating. It really, really is.
Filed under: Uncategorized
This blog will be on hiatus until August 8. Although my Yosemite trip was canceled due to the fires, I’m going to do a little bit of traveling on my own and work on some non-blogging related writing. I also feel the need to reflect on this blog’s theme. Most of my posts recently have been about dating and such, but I want to get back on track and blog about Christianity, politics, women’s issues, and more when I return.
This is just brilliant. I hadn’t read Pandagon in about a month, but I was delighted to learn that they have a new website. I forgot how great I feel after I read articles like the one I linked to. I still haven’t reviewed her book It’s a Jungle Out There, so perhaps I will do that this week.
As I stated in my last post, I always want to be a polite girl who doesn’t upset anyone. During class and on my blog, where I speak rhetorically, I am very clear in articulating what I believe, but I hate to tell people that I’m mad at them and I hate even more to offend. The “classy girl” article basically says that women should be meek, humble, and never ruffle any feathers. When I read Amanda’s analysis of it, though, I once again remembered why I was so captivated after taking my first women’s studies class. When I went to visit my newlywed friends a couple days ago and heard them talking about how God orchestrates our lives in His perfect timing so we may find our true soulmates, part of me wanted to say, “FUCK THAT!” to both them and Brio magazine. My friend’s new wife is a nice woman, but I realize that I have no interest in doing that submissive wife thing. That is precisely why I am sort of reluctant to take their advice on dating. Anyway, they’re happy and blissful, so whatever.
I came into my woman’s studies class an ardent believer in being a “good Christian girl” as defined by the True Love Waits movement. After I took that class and my beliefs were, essentially, shattered and then re-worked (mostly because I really wasn’t happy with the True Love Waits movement and was ready for a change), I had nothing to really fight for anymore. I was no longer fighting the “culture war.” While I am no longer interested in being meek, I am very insecure about what I believe when it comes to faith. So, I essentially replaced one kind of meekness with another. I’m not afraid to wear more revealing clothes now and swear once in awhile, but people assume that I’m fragile for different reasons now.
I ask a lot of questions to others about how they see faith/religion and the world at large. A lot of these people mistake my inquisitiveness for insecurity. If I knew what I believed, then I wouldn’t be asking others to explain themselves. A lot of people are flattered when I ask about their beliefs because few people get the opportunity to talk about them, but so often, they use it as an opportunity to prove me wrong instead of humbly asking me, in return, what I believe in and why. I am trying to learn how to offer my insight to others without offering my unsolicited advice. It’s tough, because for so long, I got a lot of my self worth from professing to know The Truth as I knew it. I was arrogant. Now, I am afraid of offending people for largely the same reasons I was not afraid to offend people back in high school: I’m looking out to cover my own ego. If I offend people with what I say now, then I get all bent out of shape because I’m trying so hard to not be arrogant anymore. I want to be confident, but really, I’m not.
My personal trainer read my testimony as a Christian feminist and he asked, “Do you think you are being too hard on yourself?” I don’t remember what I said, but I want to say now, “It’s better to be too hard on yourself than too easy on yourself.” I lament about how awful I was in high school and how hard am working to change. So, I am no longer meek out because I think that’s what Christian women should be, but I still have a problem coming across as confident about my beliefs because all I knew before was how to be arrogant.
Well, I went on a bit of a tangent with Amanda’s article. I just thought about female meekness and how, deep down, I am still pretty unsure of what I believe despite it all. I don’t directly tell that to most people, but writing helps me figure things out. That’s why I blog.
